How Much We Poop in Our Lives
Lately I've been writing about the weird, wild, terrifying and uncertain realities of life in the wake of COVID-19, because that's all anyone can think about right now. We're in survival mode for a minute, and when people are thrown headfirst into survival mode, the first thing we do is stock up on supplies. Dry rice. Canned goods. Frozen vegetables. Cleaning supplies. Hand sanitizer. And...toilet paper. We've all seen photos like this one of store shelves empty of all paper products.
We've all googled "Where can I buy toilet paper?" Only to have Google tell us, "Nowhere." Some of us have casually searched for bidets, erroneously thinking that if the apocalypse does take place, the plumbing will still be functional. And if the world is, in fact ending, the cleanliness of our bums will likely be the last item on anyone's mental to-do list.
People like to sling around fun, Snapple-cap facts like, “The average human sleeps for a third of their life," meaning that if you live to be 75, you spend 25 years in the sack. If you’re like me, you may feel oddly disappointed in this fact. Sleep is wonderful. If I could spend half of my life asleep, I would. Nothing weird or terrible happens when you’re asleep. You might dream weird or terrible dreams, but you won’t wake up a peacock with a human head, searching for golden nougats in a lavender field and falling down a well. That’s a terrifying situation, and also, a dream I’ve recently had.
Similarly, people find it fascinating to determine how long we all spend shoving goat cheese and oats down our throats. In case you’re wondering, the average American spends 67 minutes per day eating, which is about 32,000 hours over the “typical” human lifespan. 32,000 hours is something like 1,333 days or 3.5 years. Americans eat fast though, so this statistic might be higher for the French or Italians, who know how to slow the fuck down and chew their shrimps.
But I started this blog post intending to write about defecation, and that's really where this is going. So if you’re one of those people who find this topic wildly inappropriate, just remember that Tarō Gomi wrote a very famous and widely beloved book entitled, “Everybody Poops,” and he seems to be doing just fine.
I know we're all scared of COVID-19, but hoarding toilet paper is dumb, and here's why: we don't actually need that much. According to a very sophisticated, vetted, and all-around uber-intelligent website called “Number Two Guide,” there is a scientific way to measure how much you, yes you, have pooped in your life. This website gives you rough estimates, nothing hard and fast, much like how your poop should (not) be. My results are listed below, and before you start feeling all queasy and over-informed about my bowel movements, keep in mind that these results are computer-generated and therefore not true, i.e. I have not sharted 5 times in my life. It’s more like 10, but who’s counting?
Side Note: These results are current as of March 28, 2020 for a 27-year-old female who doesn’t read books or play phone solitaire on the toilet.
Number of times you have pooped in your lifetime: 12,873
Number of poop logs you have produced in your lifetime: 42,480
Number of times you have had explosive diarrhea: 644
If we stacked your poop, end to end, it would have reached the top of the Empire State Building: 3 times
Number of times you have sharted: 6
Number of times you have wiped: 64,363
Amount of toilet paper used: 1,287 rolls
Number of trees killed by pooping if you don't use recycled paper: 1.29 trees
Number of times you have flushed the toilet from pooping: 13,516
Amount of water you have used from flushing: 21,626 gallons
Amount of times you have ran out of toilet paper before you finished wiping: 109
Amount of times you have farted while pooping: 23,171
Amount of times you have clogged the toilet: 71
Amount of days you have spent pooping: 72
According to Today, “The average U.S. household (2.6 people) uses 409 regular rolls per year. That's roughly 157 rolls per person, which means 13 rolls should get you through a month. So as we all clamor to purchase extra-large rolls of Charmin and Amazon's most affordable bidet, let's remember that "Everybody Poops," and we all need a roll or two.